Your Life And Mine

I don't want to live anymore. I don't know what it is, but I truely just do not want to live. It seems, everytime I try to do something right, it is countered by something bad, but that something bad, is ten times worse than what it would normally be. This time it's cutting the skin deep until it reaches the bone. I know I promised I wouldn't hurt my self, I swore it. So now I have to get into an accident. I'll go driving somewhere, I'll walk in places that say not to, just because I missed the sign. I don't know what to do anymore. I love her. I'm in love with her. I know she feels the same, but I always think she's just gunna up and leave, randomly. I don't want that to happen. I'm afraid to do something on the phone that will upset her. I'm afraid to say anything because it might change her mood in one certain way that could make her upset with me for the remainder of the day, and it always happens to be the very first thing I say. I don't get it. I want to be with her forever, and she told me she wants me here forever, but if so, then why is it I keep failing her? She says I'm amazing. HOW?! She has all these theories, I just want her to spill herself to me. Tell me everything, just like I've been desperately trying to do for the past three months now. I want to give her all that I am, but babygirl, this is a two way street, I've got my lane and you've got yours. Our speed limit has been posted but I'm either ten miles behind or twenty miles ahead. I never know when to stop or where, I just want to make you happy. And I get it, I am your happiness, but you never seem happy. I ask, 'did you smile today?' 'no', '-frowns deeply-' I just want you to laugh. Smile. Be happy. Life isn't over yet babygirl, we've got forever, why waste it being sad? We can miss people, yes, we can need them, yes, but we can't be sad every day and let it haunt us for the rest of our lives. And now I'm just ranting and being a total dick, because I know things are hard for you, and it hurts because you lost someone so close. But I've lost close ones too. I just want you to know, I DON'T MIND IF YOU CRY, SLEEP, LAUGH, SMILE, YELL, SHOUT, OR EVEN BE SILENT ON THE PHONE!! Because it's still you! It's the girl of my dreams. It's the girl I've fallen so heels over head in love with that I cannot go a single moment of my day without thinking about you. Hell, I know I'm even thinking in my sleep and it's always about you, every dream. You. Every moment. You. Every sigh. You. Every breath. You. You are the center of my world, I want to give you everything, show you life, love and happiness. I want to give you so much, but I feel like I'm continously failing. It hurts. It fucking hurts like hell, and when I give you that note in that car. When we get in that crash and I don't make it through. You'll know... I've dying inside every second I'm not with you. I've been dying inside every second I know you won't smile. I've been dying inside every second you want to cry, or die. I need you to be okay. I want you to be okay, because you make ME okay. You give me strength. You give me hope. And yes, I am showing you all of my flaws. I am an extremely depressed person. I can't help it, it's how I was born, but you wanna know the best part?? I know you won't mind!! I love it. So much more than these stupid simple little words can express. You make me superman. You give me spidey-strength. Just... let me in. Please, even if it's a centimeter, let me in. You're inside of me completely babygirl. You're swimming in my veins. Etched into my mind, and seeping throughout my skin. I love it. I love you. More than I could ever express to you. Because I'm devoting my whole life to you. I love you babygirl. I love you.